Tuesday, March 2nd

Being on this side of another teacher training weekend I'm still attempting to catch up on life. I think my head is still spinning a bit trying to process all of the information. I'm a little concerned about getting all the concepts. It's been a while since I had to apply myself like this and the first month didn't go as well as I planned. I'm hoping to make a change this month with more review and more time spent going over the readings before going into class again.

This month we are to focus on satya, which is to speak our truth. I'm not used to speaking my truth as it comes up so this will be another challenge for me. Usually my truth comes out in a burst that doesn't exactly fit in with the concept of ahimsa. The past few days have been particularly trying for me.

I think that has a lot of to with the fact that we did a lot of heart and throat opening exercises this weekend. I truly believe for me the energy gets blocked around the heart and doesn't really make it up to my throat. Part of me wonders if this is why I tend to hold back on my truth and then let it burst forward only when I'm really upset. Sometimes it can take an awful lot of pushing to get me to say what's really on my mind.

I find that I'm jealous of those people who just seem to be able to talk about things and open up about things. That's not me and sometimes I feel like I just can't or won't tell others anything substantial. Worrying that I'll be judged sometimes makes me seem like I don't have a lot going on in my mind and that worries me more. It's this never ending cycle, and I want to change it and speak more freely.

I tend to be better at expressing myself through writing, but I can't simply stop to write everything down every time I have something to say. So, I need to try a little harder and not have the usual internal monologue of negative comments if it doesn't go so well at first. I'm trying to remember that this is a journey and that's what it's all about. I tend to be more destination oriented sometimes.