March 29, 2010

Asteya has been a very difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around as much as I've tried over the last week. Ahimsa was relatively straight forward as was satya. I could see how I wasn't practicing those two concepts in my life. It was easy to identify them and write about them. I think it was easier to see myself as doing them as it wasn't as broad a concept as 'don't steal.'

I think the immediate reaction from most people when they hear 'don't steal' is to think, 'well I don't so this should be easy.' It really is so much more then the Christian commandment I was brought up with. It shouldn't be taken at face value, it requires more reflection and thinking. I realize just how many changes I need to make to truly be practicing Asteya.

The main thing for me is not stealing from myself. I like to do it all, and I sometimes can over stretch myself. Sometimes it's really difficult to know where the priorities should lay and where I should maybe cut back a bit. I tend to go and go and then I'll collapse. When the collapse happens it means something suffers and it's usually sometime I deem important to my growth as a person. Then I'm robbing myself of this experience, or chance to study something or deepen my understanding of some area.

I think for me the main thing is I have to make some decisions about my schedule and really stick to them. I'm busy, and it means by the end of the day I don't have a lot of energy for studying. Eventually I want to go back to school which means I will be doing a lot more studying. So, I need to get in the habit now of not giving into the temptation of the television or computer or the entire evening. I need to be willing to shut those off and either study or go to bed early so I can get a fresh start in the morning.

Also, I tend to not stick to the bed time I promised myself. I realize I'm stealing energy from myself, both physical and mental. If I don't get a good nights rest then I can't do all that I need or want to the next day. So, I think the first step for me is to really make a good schedule that works and then stick to it. I need to be a little flexible with myself, but I need to try to stick to things more.

March 15, 2010

It was really nice to have a weekend that was both good and productive. I feel like sometimes it has to be on or other other because a balance isn't really possible. However, I was able to get to nearly everything I wanted to accomplish and spend time doing things with Tim.

I continue to struggle with getting frustrated with myself this month as well as the continue release of energy from heart openers. Yesterday during bridge pose in class I received an adjustment that really opened up my shoulders and chest. I'm starting to know now to expect emotions to bubble up when that happens, but it's a bit of a waiting game sometimes since it doesn't always happen right away.

That was followed by shoulder stand and I continue to feel like I'm never going to be able to do things like that properly. I just don't know that I can do inversions. I'm not sure if it's fear that stops me or if I'm really just not able to do them yet. I want to and I keep telling myself I'm working towards that, but sometimes I feel like that's just an excuse. When everyone else seems to be able to just do the poses it's incredibly frustrating.

So, that combined with the energy from bridge pose was enough to have me be quite a mess by the time I hit the car. I was a bit of an emotional mess and a little angry. It didn't last long thankfully, and Tim was understanding. I feel terrible though when anyone is around me when that happens. I don't want to take it out on someone else, but it does happen.

At least I am able to identify what's going on and usually communicate it as a truth in a way that's not violent. I can offer the warning that this is going on and perhaps it would be wise to just let me get through it before talking too much or trying to do too much.

I am the worst to myself in speaking my truth in a nonviolent way. I also can sometimes make the truth seem worse then it actually is, and that can cause a lot of emotions within me. It usually stems from either not being able to do something or feeling like I'm not able to do something. It tends to spiral down hill and the mental personal insults go into every aspect of my life.

I feel like I used to have an ok self esteem and I've lost it somewhere along the way. I honestly believe some of these things that my mind tells me, and I want to change that but it's difficult. The last thing I want is to constantly be thinking truly terrible things about myself and bringing myself down.

Tuesday, March 2nd

Being on this side of another teacher training weekend I'm still attempting to catch up on life. I think my head is still spinning a bit trying to process all of the information. I'm a little concerned about getting all the concepts. It's been a while since I had to apply myself like this and the first month didn't go as well as I planned. I'm hoping to make a change this month with more review and more time spent going over the readings before going into class again.

This month we are to focus on satya, which is to speak our truth. I'm not used to speaking my truth as it comes up so this will be another challenge for me. Usually my truth comes out in a burst that doesn't exactly fit in with the concept of ahimsa. The past few days have been particularly trying for me.

I think that has a lot of to with the fact that we did a lot of heart and throat opening exercises this weekend. I truly believe for me the energy gets blocked around the heart and doesn't really make it up to my throat. Part of me wonders if this is why I tend to hold back on my truth and then let it burst forward only when I'm really upset. Sometimes it can take an awful lot of pushing to get me to say what's really on my mind.

I find that I'm jealous of those people who just seem to be able to talk about things and open up about things. That's not me and sometimes I feel like I just can't or won't tell others anything substantial. Worrying that I'll be judged sometimes makes me seem like I don't have a lot going on in my mind and that worries me more. It's this never ending cycle, and I want to change it and speak more freely.

I tend to be better at expressing myself through writing, but I can't simply stop to write everything down every time I have something to say. So, I need to try a little harder and not have the usual internal monologue of negative comments if it doesn't go so well at first. I'm trying to remember that this is a journey and that's what it's all about. I tend to be more destination oriented sometimes.

February 25th

There are times I seriously wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I wonder if I by not knowing what I'm supposed be doing and just continuing on as I have been if I'm actually harming those around me.

Lately I have been struggling with every aspect of my life. I strongly dislike what I do for my regular nine to five job, but I continue at it since I am currently the only one employed. Without the security of Tim having a job I can't simply let go and hope for the best. So every day I drag myself into work and detest every moment of it. I think it's truly starting to affect every other aspect of my life.

When I get home I don't want to teach my piano lessons which used to make me happy, and I don't want to deal with Tim or our relationship. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and there are days I just want to run away from it all. More and more I feel like I'm not being true to myself by just soldiering on.

I'm torn by wondering which is truly a practice of non-violence in this case. Should I simply continue on and not say anything to spare arguments and hurt feelings or should I lay it all out there?

The first options means that I will not hurt anyone else. However, it's taking it's toll on me and in some ways I am hurting myself. I'm not being true to myself or what I want. The problem is I don't know what it is I truly want. My impulse is to run, but that isn't a rational mature decision and not really a path I'm willing to take.

The second option could harm everyone I'm close too. I don't want to do that either. So, I've reached a bit of a fork in the road and I don't know if I should turn right or left. I think perhaps a combination of the two might be the best solution. I have to learn to express what I'm feeling, but I can't risking hurting someone else. Telling the truth can be difficult, especially if there's a risk of hurting someone.

I keep hoping that perhaps I'll wake up and everything will be the way it was before. If I can find a little piece of happiness again perhaps it will translate into the rest of my life. I am worried it won't and perhaps this plan won't work. However, I have to give it a go before something more drastic is attempted.