March 15, 2010

It was really nice to have a weekend that was both good and productive. I feel like sometimes it has to be on or other other because a balance isn't really possible. However, I was able to get to nearly everything I wanted to accomplish and spend time doing things with Tim.

I continue to struggle with getting frustrated with myself this month as well as the continue release of energy from heart openers. Yesterday during bridge pose in class I received an adjustment that really opened up my shoulders and chest. I'm starting to know now to expect emotions to bubble up when that happens, but it's a bit of a waiting game sometimes since it doesn't always happen right away.

That was followed by shoulder stand and I continue to feel like I'm never going to be able to do things like that properly. I just don't know that I can do inversions. I'm not sure if it's fear that stops me or if I'm really just not able to do them yet. I want to and I keep telling myself I'm working towards that, but sometimes I feel like that's just an excuse. When everyone else seems to be able to just do the poses it's incredibly frustrating.

So, that combined with the energy from bridge pose was enough to have me be quite a mess by the time I hit the car. I was a bit of an emotional mess and a little angry. It didn't last long thankfully, and Tim was understanding. I feel terrible though when anyone is around me when that happens. I don't want to take it out on someone else, but it does happen.

At least I am able to identify what's going on and usually communicate it as a truth in a way that's not violent. I can offer the warning that this is going on and perhaps it would be wise to just let me get through it before talking too much or trying to do too much.

I am the worst to myself in speaking my truth in a nonviolent way. I also can sometimes make the truth seem worse then it actually is, and that can cause a lot of emotions within me. It usually stems from either not being able to do something or feeling like I'm not able to do something. It tends to spiral down hill and the mental personal insults go into every aspect of my life.

I feel like I used to have an ok self esteem and I've lost it somewhere along the way. I honestly believe some of these things that my mind tells me, and I want to change that but it's difficult. The last thing I want is to constantly be thinking truly terrible things about myself and bringing myself down.