February 25th

There are times I seriously wonder if I'm doing the right things in my life. I wonder if I by not knowing what I'm supposed be doing and just continuing on as I have been if I'm actually harming those around me.

Lately I have been struggling with every aspect of my life. I strongly dislike what I do for my regular nine to five job, but I continue at it since I am currently the only one employed. Without the security of Tim having a job I can't simply let go and hope for the best. So every day I drag myself into work and detest every moment of it. I think it's truly starting to affect every other aspect of my life.

When I get home I don't want to teach my piano lessons which used to make me happy, and I don't want to deal with Tim or our relationship. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and there are days I just want to run away from it all. More and more I feel like I'm not being true to myself by just soldiering on.

I'm torn by wondering which is truly a practice of non-violence in this case. Should I simply continue on and not say anything to spare arguments and hurt feelings or should I lay it all out there?

The first options means that I will not hurt anyone else. However, it's taking it's toll on me and in some ways I am hurting myself. I'm not being true to myself or what I want. The problem is I don't know what it is I truly want. My impulse is to run, but that isn't a rational mature decision and not really a path I'm willing to take.

The second option could harm everyone I'm close too. I don't want to do that either. So, I've reached a bit of a fork in the road and I don't know if I should turn right or left. I think perhaps a combination of the two might be the best solution. I have to learn to express what I'm feeling, but I can't risking hurting someone else. Telling the truth can be difficult, especially if there's a risk of hurting someone.

I keep hoping that perhaps I'll wake up and everything will be the way it was before. If I can find a little piece of happiness again perhaps it will translate into the rest of my life. I am worried it won't and perhaps this plan won't work. However, I have to give it a go before something more drastic is attempted.